After three years of being in high school and witnessing nothing of importance being done at Geo/rget/own D/ay Sch/ool, I have decided that I, Alex Zeldin, am going to run for president of the United States. Too long have I witnessed this current administration fail to help bring more food vendors at lunchtime, or winter formal dances. No. I am plain tired of George Bush and the fact that he never put up a disco ball in the student lounge. I plan to be a leader and a father to the 300 million people of the United States of America. Here's a breakdown of the Alex Zeldin Administration.
Ethnic Cleansing: After several long lengthy discussions, the Alex Zeldin Administration has decided that the United States should not administer ethnic cleansing. I know it is a sensitive subject, but we feel that all people, regardless of ethnicity, should be free to pursue the American dream. However, there are some people in certain ethnicity's that do not shower very often and must be cleaned. That's why I pledge to put more public shower houses around the United States and administer free bars of Dove Soap on select days of the year.
The Designated Hitter: The Zeldin administration has been firmly opposed to the designated hitter since the beginning. Why should it just be one parent that gets to hit their child? I say if a child misbehaves, both parents should get to take turns hitting the child. It's not fair that only one parent can have all the fun of child abuse. I pledge that if a child misbehaves, both parents will be able to get the chance to hit their child.
The Right to Bare Arms: The Zeldin Administration has deiced that the right to bear arms should differ depending on what state you live in. In Minnesota, it would be ridiculous to allow citizens to wear short sleeves. Temperatures can reach up to 20 degrees below Fahrenheit. To wear short sleeves could result in frostbite and influenza. In Florida however people should be free to bear arms. Go out, ride a bike, hit the waves, and soak in that glorious Florida sun.
Now we move on to the Q&A Session.
Shauna Fitzgerald of Boulder, Colorado asks: The United States is starting to take a turn for the worst. Where will the US be in another 30 years?
As President of the United States I see no reason to move this country in any direction. I like our place in the world. We have the prefect mix of warm and cold climates. North America is a truly great continent and there is no reason to pack up and move. Canada and Mexico have been very good neighbors and I plan on staying right where we are for the next thirty years.
Michelle Rogers of Little Rock, Arkansas asks: Do women have to right to an abortion?
Ah, now that's a difficult question.
Harold Rosenstein of Brooklyn, New York asks: What are your views on Israel?
Harold, I have no views of Israel. I live in Washington, D.C. Right now all I can see are my computer screen and neighbors. Why would u ask such a ridiculous question? Do I look like the man that would own a telescope? Please, think before you ask.
I will continue to periodically update my political positions as we get closer to election day. But for now I head to Columbus, Ohio to start my campaign. Zeldin 08.