Sunday, November 25, 2007

My Dream Job (a rejected college essay)

My dream job is to be the starting shortstop for the New York Yankees. I have wanted to be the shortstop since I first started playing baseball and have never given up on that dream. This job would be the perfect fit for me because I love baseball, and the Yankees are my favorite team. One might ask me, “If you want to be the starting shortstop for the Yankees, why did you give up baseball when you were eleven years old and why would you want to attend a film school at a division three athletic university and not even attempt to try out for the baseball team!? How can attending ***** College help you land this desired job!?” Well Mr. Inquisitor of Inquires, I have a plan. By attending ***** College of Film and Media Arts, I will become the starting shortstop of the New York Yankees.

Upon being admitted to *******, I will enter the Screenwriting program. At first I will purposely struggle with all major aspects of screenwriting; everywhere from character development, to dialogue, to knowing how to use a keyboard. I will wittingly not be able to pick up on metaphorical language, and start making comments such as, “I don’t believe smokes are holy,” and asking questions like “I’m confused as to exactly how close a cigar is, could you please specify in nanometers?” As my peers become more and more frustrated with me I will slowly pick up on the art of screenwriting and improve considerably in a short period of time. I will become a master of double entendre and iambic pentameter. When my thesis screenplay, Stop Being so Hippo-Critical, Ten Reasons Why Humans Must Change Their Life-Styles Before We Can Properly Criticize Hippopotamuses, is picked up by NewsCorp at the Cannes Film Festival as a direct to television movie, I will move to White Rock, South Dakota and live a life of isolation. At this point my name will already have been changed to Conrad Hutchinson, and I will start publishing letters under the name of Mortimer Finklestein in the local periodical. As readership increases radically, my house will come under attack by the local Pagan community, and I will depart to the People’s Republic of China and find religion. As I dance naked on the steps of the Great Holloweg’s Temple, I will suffer a great asthma attack and have to be rushed to St. Mary’s hospital. During my time of recovery at St. Mary’s I will befriend a Puerto-Rican man named Diego. He will invite me to come live with his family in a small village on the east coast of Peru. I will decline, never to see him again and decide to move back in with my family in Washington, D.C. After an initial period of reluctance, I will agree to go grocery shopping with my mother at the neighboring Supermarket. There I will enter a contest: win a position as the starting shortstop for the New York Yankees for one play. I will loose this contest and instead win third place, a fifty dollar gift certificate at any participating Olive Garden in the greater Omaha area. Not wanting to waste my coupon, I will visit Omaha, only to discover that the Olive Garden has been closed down by the health inspector. Having spent my last remaining pennies on the plane ticket, I will dance for sustenance. My killer moves will be picked up by a local talent mogul and I will be flown to New York to start a career. In New York I will slowly manipulate Major League Baseball’s collective bargaining agreement so that over a five year span, the players will start a lengthy player-strike. After the fourteenth year of the strike, the commissioner of baseball will call for replacement players. By this point I will have invested in the corn market and will have made Billons. I will then purchase the New York Yankees for three times what they are worth and will declare myself the new starting shortstop. And it will all start with my life enriching experience at the ***** College of Film and Media Arts at ******* University.

No comments: