Poor Max!

So during our pregame prep for homecoming, Max and I went from CVS to CVS trying to find police costumes. After the 4th CVS (the one in Van Ness) we were both able to get costumes. At the brink of starvation, we decided to go to P/o/t/be/ll/y. Max was wearing his police costume but I was not, because I have dignity. We got to the sandwich works hoping that just maybe, just maybe we could get our sandwiches and leave. But what happened? Max was sexually harassed! The lady there kept commenting on how sexy Max was in his police costume. For a second we thought it might be a harmless compliment. But more and more, the lady took it up a notch, eventually commenting on how sexy Max would look if he did a strip-tease in that. Is that all you women see us as!?!? Objects!?! You women don't care how smart we are or how much we accomplish! We have worked hard to be on equal footing with women but all you think of us is objects that are better off dancing naked for your pleasure. Well did you know that it was MEN who invented things such as the CD case, combs, wind-up toys, and even picture frames! And men have made great strides in the fields of English and History, the REAL subjects. Some of the great works of literature we written by men. Sure that lady did give us free sandwiches, but by that point we were sick to our stomachs by this blatant harassment. I know I know, you women will say "oh please, Max wasn't sexually harassed, she just was flirting with him and you guys got free sandwiches out of it," but you women don't know just how hard it is to be a man. The Masculist movement is no joke and we will never get on equal footing with you women if you continue to just laugh at our cause. That's why I am forming a new club called Menner: The Men's leadership club. Maybe, just maybe, we can live in a world where men and women are equal. You women disgust me.

Ethan Albright Strikes Back

Ethan Albright, an offensive lineman for the Washington Redksins, was given a 53 overall ranking in Madden 07. According to John Madden, he is the worst player in the NFL. The following is Ethan Albright's responce.


To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

Hi, John,

my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.


John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fuckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.


When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks. Fuck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,
Ethan Albright



Although I really wish Ethan actually wrote this, it was written by Juan Turlington and published on the website ThePhatPhree.com. For more hysterical aritcles besure to visit the Phat Phree on your own.

Bathroom Experiance.

So i was taking a poop today (girls wouldn't know what this is like. See the post "Girls Don't Actually Poop" for more info) in the men's stall. Someone came into the bathroom and tried to open the door to my stall. Realizing that the door was locked, he knocked on the door. Now the only physically possible way that that door could have been locked and no one was in there, would be if someone went into the stall, locked the door, then crawled under the door on the pee-stained floor. Is there someone at large at G~D~S doing this? Is there a masked bandit that sneaks into stalls when no one is looking, locks the door, and escapes underneath, never to be seen again? Now my second question is, if in fact the door was locked and no one was in there, would this knocker have actually crawled under the stall door just to take a poop himself? I mean, the handicapped stall is much nicer and roomier, but would it really be worth it? So to answer my questions, if there is in fact a masked stall-door-locking bandit afoot, and its worth it to sneak under the door to take a poop in the slightly larger stall, then this person was 100% correct to knock. But if this situation does not apply, I honestly don't know what this man was thinking.

Cartoon number one

Adding 'W's makes thing funny.

Replacing the first letter of people's name with the letter W automatically makes it funny. It's just a funny sounding letter. Wichard Woper, Wichael Wick, Weorge W. Wush, Windsy Wohan, Woodrow Wilson, theyre all funny now because of the letter W.

Who the Fuck Cares About Nelly Frutado?

She's won grammys, released several #1 hits, and has been around for a good seven years. Her music is a staple on MTV and pop radio stations. But I ask you this. Who the fuck actually cares about Nelly Frutado? Not once will u ever see her on TMZ or Inside Hollywood. You wanna know why? Because no one gives a shit about Nelly Frutado.

I am pround to anounce my candidacy!

After three years of being in high school and witnessing nothing of importance being done at Geo/rget/own D/ay Sch/ool, I have decided that I, Alex Zeldin, am going to run for president of the United States. Too long have I witnessed this current administration fail to help bring more food vendors at lunchtime, or winter formal dances. No. I am plain tired of George Bush and the fact that he never put up a disco ball in the student lounge. I plan to be a leader and a father to the 300 million people of the United States of America. Here's a breakdown of the Alex Zeldin Administration.

Ethnic Cleansing: After several long lengthy discussions, the Alex Zeldin Administration has decided that the United States should not administer ethnic cleansing. I know it is a sensitive subject, but we feel that all people, regardless of ethnicity, should be free to pursue the American dream. However, there are some people in certain ethnicity's that do not shower very often and must be cleaned. That's why I pledge to put more public shower houses around the United States and administer free bars of Dove Soap on select days of the year.

The Designated Hitter: The Zeldin administration has been firmly opposed to the designated hitter since the beginning. Why should it just be one parent that gets to hit their child? I say if a child misbehaves, both parents should get to take turns hitting the child. It's not fair that only one parent can have all the fun of child abuse. I pledge that if a child misbehaves, both parents will be able to get the chance to hit their child.

The Right to Bare Arms: The Zeldin Administration has deiced that the right to bear arms should differ depending on what state you live in. In Minnesota, it would be ridiculous to allow citizens to wear short sleeves. Temperatures can reach up to 20 degrees below Fahrenheit. To wear short sleeves could result in frostbite and influenza. In Florida however people should be free to bear arms. Go out, ride a bike, hit the waves, and soak in that glorious Florida sun.


Now we move on to the Q&A Session.


Shauna Fitzgerald of Boulder, Colorado asks: The United States is starting to take a turn for the worst. Where will the US be in another 30 years?

As President of the United States I see no reason to move this country in any direction. I like our place in the world. We have the prefect mix of warm and cold climates. North America is a truly great continent and there is no reason to pack up and move. Canada and Mexico have been very good neighbors and I plan on staying right where we are for the next thirty years.

Michelle Rogers of Little Rock, Arkansas asks: Do women have to right to an abortion?

Ah, now that's a difficult question.

Harold Rosenstein of Brooklyn, New York asks: What are your views on Israel?

Harold, I have no views of Israel. I live in Washington, D.C. Right now all I can see are my computer screen and neighbors. Why would u ask such a ridiculous question? Do I look like the man that would own a telescope? Please, think before you ask.


I will continue to periodically update my political positions as we get closer to election day. But for now I head to Columbus, Ohio to start my campaign. Zeldin 08.

Bad Day

Today turned out to be a pretty bad day. I was sitting at home watching some television when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, they tried to make me go to rehab. I politely responded "no. no. no." I will admit that yes, I've been black, but I'm fairly positive that when I come back you will know know know, I just really do not have time, if my daddy thinks I'm fine. He's even tried to make me go to rehab, but i won't go go go.

Halarious Responce to MIT Letter

Since everyone seems to be stressing out over college, I think everyone needs to reed this. the first bit is an honest to God letter from MIT. The second is the student's responce. Enjoy!

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567

Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.
But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.
The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!
Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.
What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.
You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.
You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.
Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

Michael C. BenhkeDirector of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.

May 5, 1994
Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307


Dear Michael:

You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be.
But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.
The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!
Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.
What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self-indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.
You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.
You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.
Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,
John Mongan

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.

Fuck You Hot or Not Application!

So it turns out that the 8.9 rating was a complete fabrication by the facebook corporation. Upon further inspection, the corresponding bar chart shows that I did not receive one vote above an 8, yet my rating is an 8.9. I'm not Stephen Hawking, but how does this mathematically make sense? Shame on you Mark Zuckerberg, see what happens when you drop out of Harvard? You come up with incorrect statistics and are publicly humiliated on one of the most influential blogs of the century. I bet you don't even know what a unimodal graph is. It's a graph with one major hump. That's what you are Mark Zuckerberg. One major hump.

Alex Zeldin, not too popular with the ladies?

Why am I not so popular with the ladies? According to the Hot or Not application I am a stunning 8.9 out of 10. This ranks higher than pimps such as Gohn Jentil/e and Cilliam Wastie/l. Not only that, apparently I am the hottest boy in the grade. So why have I been plagued with a life of rejection? Maybe I'm just too sexy? Yes, that must be it. I'm too sexy.

Secret Code

Okay, so pretty soon i'm gonna start talking about people. But out of courtesy, I will not refer to people by name so they wont show up on google. So here the code. I swap the letters of the first and last names and add a / somewhere in the last name. for example, John Smith becomes Sohn Jmit/h. Christian Mohammadstein becomes Mhristian Cohammadstei/n . Etc. Let the rumors begin!

Behold! The Tremeloes!

Girls Don't Actually Poop.

No girl has, or ever will, poop. I mean, try to imagine a girl pooping. It just dosent happen

What the hell is Jessica Alba?

Is she white, black, or Latina? Her race seems to change with every role she plays. Lets take a look:


Jessica is clearly white
In Dark Angel











A sexy Latina Jessica
in Fantastic Four




Black Jessica is smokin' hot in Honey

I don't think we will ever uncover this mystery but we now know why everyone considers her to be so hot. She can fit every man's (or lesbian's) ideal of the perfect woman. But I know what she is. She's a cameleon.

Shakesphere, Dickens, Faulker, Zeldin

This first post marks the start of my literary career. It has only been 16 seconds since I started and already I have grown lonesome in my solitude. I now know why JD Salinger refuses to show his face, or why Emily Dickinson lived the rest of her years alone in her attic. I have seen the world through the eyes of a scholar and what a terrible place it is. You plebeians have no idea of the things I have read, the places I have travelled, or the torture I have witnessed. Will I show my face in public again? Only time will tell. But for now I leave you with these parting words:

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

That's from the bible.