Update From the Sunshine State

It's been weeks since my last true update, so I thought I would fill everyone in on whats been going on. As you can tell from the title, I currently am in Fort Lauderdale, FL. Every year we gather for the ol' Zeldin Family Reunion. All the regulars are here, Uncle Silas Zeldin from Arizona (who strikingly resembles Yosemite Sam), Great Great Grandma Flo Zeldin (Still goin strong at 107), and Cousin Butch Zeldin (on parole for the third time). All 87 of us are out enjoying the beach and splashing in the waves.
We have managed to form our own cliques in the Zeldins. I tend to hang out with the Mexican Zeldins, and sometimes with the Evangelical Zeldins. All are pretty cool, except for those damn Slovak Zeldins. God do I hate them. Anywho, enough about them, lets get back to me.
Two nights ago we had our annual Christmas Dinner at Freddie Chang's Chinese Grill. We reserved a big table and ordered up the menu, a fine tradition. All the leftovers get fed to the family Dogs: Roger, Sparky, Buford, Tessie and Scooby-Doo.
The trip to Freddie Chang's was very interesting. Diego Zeldin and I hopped into the back seat of the Caravan. Uncle Silas drove with Uncle Enus (the family is very supportive of them) and Great Great Grandma Flo. Diego had to carry Grandma's pee-bag while I got into a heated political debate with my gay uncles. They are huge JEdwards supporters and said they would not support my political campaign (see posts 'I am proud to announce my candidacy' and 'My Campaign Continues' for more info). When asked why, they said "I was only 18 and that it was unconstitutional. Plus I am an immature teenager that never takes anything seriously." I never liked them anyway.
After dinner we hit the racetracks for some after dinner fun. All joined in on the excitement, except for Butch. He had to go meet up with some friends. The tracks turned out to be pretty disappointing. We all bet big on a horse named "Guaranteed Winner." However the horse turned out to be ironic because it didn't win. Collectively we lost 20,000 dollars. Except for those damn Slovaks. The bet on a 30-1 underdog pony named "Czech Mate." God Do I hate those Slovaks.
Tomorrow is my last full day with the Zeldins before I head home. I think the hotel staff is getting very tired of us, we are never on time and always try to find ways to spend the least amount of money. I have also realized that this will be my last post of 2007. It's been a great year for bloggin and I wish everyone a safe and happy new year. Except for those fuckin Slovaks.

Todd Collins: Diary of a Quarterback

The second funniest blog i have ever read. Check it out!
toddcoll15.blogspot.com

Facebook: Rules of the Game

Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with people and to get to know things about others that one might not already know. Yea, yea, we've all heard that several times already. But what facebook really is is a giant popularity contest. The first to 1,000,000 wall posts and 500,000 tagged pictures is the winner. Some people I feel tho are breaking the rules. But then I realized that there are no rules for facebook. That's why I conceived a rule system for facebook. Here goes:

of the 500,000 tagged photos, no more than half may be tagged by oneself. If you have tagged yourself more than people have tagged you then that is cheating.

No more than three consecutive wall posts or five wall posts in one day is allowed. If you need to have a conversation with someone use a telephone or instant messenger. If that is too awkward than you're not actually friends with this person.

One can only tag themselves in one photobooth album. If one decides to create a second photobooth album, then that is allowed but they cannot tag themselves in it. Go outside and take picture of you having real fun, not pictures of your tongue sticking out and your head out of proportion.

Thank you posts in response to a happy birthday post is allowed. If you are kind enough to wish someone a happy birthday then you may count the thank you post towards your total. However if you wish someone a happy birthday solely for the reason of getting a thank you post then ur a selfish dickhole and that post doesn't not count towards your total.

Friending a random person, in hopes of getting a "have we met" post results in automatic disqualification. That's pathetic.

Commenting one someone else's facebook applications is not allowed. That's the epitome of small talk. You may only comment if it is a really cool application, such as the fairy princess or the wrestling application. Legitimate questions are also allowed.

Count down posts such as "You" "Are" "Almost" "at" "1,000" "Posts!" only counts as one post. Its not clever and does not look cool.

You may only post on your own wall if it is one of the first ten posts, or your mother's life is in mortal danger. No exceptions.

No album may contain more than twenty pictures of the same person. If you are tagged more than 20 times in an album ur a selfish, narcissistic asshole who needs to have a purpose in life other than being the center of attention.

Any rule about photo tagging becomes void if Bob Saget is also in the picture.

Posting on one's wall while in the same room is allowed. However direct eye contact must be made between the two posters. Looking someone in the eye while talking to them is a must, even if it is facebook talking.

Sausage Fests or Cat Parties are not allowed. Don't make me start a boy-girl-boy-girl rule.

Any facebook post congratulating someone getting into college is okay and actually gets bonus points. However if one changed their status to say they got into college and that is how people found out than those posts are not counted to your total.

Any post discussing azeldin.blogspot.com, or any post in responce to a post about azeldin.blogspot.com counts as double.

The REAL Story of Hanukkah

Tonight is the last night of Hanukkah. Everyone knows that Judah the Maccabee won a war, but what people don't know is that story is 100% false. I know the true story of Hanukkah, which has for centuries remained untold, until just now.

Derrick was waiting in like at the local mall. His feet were shaking in anticipation. He had never met Santa before. For hours he waited, and now he was only feet away from the one, the only, Santa Claus.
"Next!" Shouted the elf who ran the line. This was it. Santa. Derrick was finally about to meet him. He walked nervously up to the man in red and took a seat on his lap.
"Hi Santa," Derrick whispered, too nervously to make eye contact. "My name is Derrick. And what I would like Christmas, more than anything else, is a Nintendo Wii.
"Derrick how old are you?"
"F-Four........ty-three."
Santa's voice started to sound angry.
"Then why the hell are you sitting on my lap? This suit is hot as hell and you must weigh almost two hundred pounds. Are you trying to make an ass out of me?"
"But S-Santa. I thought you give presents to everyone."
Santa lowered his voice so only Derrick could hear.
"Look man, I gotta make a living just like you do. I've been here for six hours and can barely feel my lap. Last thing I need is for your ass to be sitting on it. This suit they gave me chafes my balls and all I wanna do, more than anything, is get back to my little one fuckin ass room apartment and go to sleep. But i got a bunch of punk ass kids who still think Santa's real, so I gotta keep a happy face."
"You're not real?"
"Dude quit playin this shit. Can you please just get off my lap?"
Derrick lifted himself off of Santa's lap as tears filled his eyes. It was all a sham. All a trick for consumer spending. Derrick couldn't take it anymore. He ran into the bathroom, opened the stall door and wept.
"Yo Dawg," Said a young man outside the stall. "I saw what happened to you out there and I think that kinda shit is terrible."
"Go away!" Screamed Derrick.
"Dawg I remember the first day I found out Santa wasn't real. Shit man it kills me up inside when I remember. That's why I've been workin on a new holiday. One thats better than Christmas ever could be."
Derrick opened the door and looked at the man. He must have been only 28.
"A-a new holiday?"
"Yea dawg, one that lasts longer, is more environmentally friendly, and doesn't have a bunch of gay ass songs about it."
"What did you say your name was?"
"Well my official name is Dr. Philip J Bowker, but all my friends just call me Lil P."
"My-my names Derrick. Can you tell me more bout this holiday?"
"Sure dawg. Hey listen, I'm hungy, it's gettin late. How bout me and you grab a bite to eat. My treat. We can talk about my new holiday."
"That sounds great. Let's go."
Derrick and Lil P made the short walk and grabebd a table at Hank's Bar and Grill.
"This place has the most fuckin generic name for a restaurant, but shit man the food is kickin."
Derrick didn't hear a word Lil P said. All he was thinking about was this new holiday.
"Lil P, I didn't hear a word you just said. All I have been thinking about is this new holiday. Tell me more."
"Well dawg. Heres what happens. First of all, it lasts eight nights."
"Eight nights! Do you get presents?"
"Shit man you get all kinds of presents. Eight days worth of presents. You actually get more every day."
Derrick's eyes lit up. He liked the sound of this new holiday already.
"What about candy-canes? Are there candy-canes!?"
"Nah man no candy canes."
The smile on Derrick's face turned to a frown. He liked candy canes.
"But I like candy canes."
"Dawg, forget the candy canes. What I got in mind is something all kinds of better. It's 100% pure imported milk chocolate. I call it, gelt."
Derrick was ecstatic. The only thing he loved more than candy canes was 100% pure imported milk chocolate.
"What about games. Are there games?"
"Helz yea mothafucka. All kinds of games. Derrick lemme ask you this. Do you like spinning tops?"
"Do I ever?"
"Do you like gambling?"
"Yes Lil P."
"Then I got the prefect shit for you. It's called Dradel."
And with that Lil P pulled a wooden dradel out of his pocket.
"Woww," said Derrick. It was even better then he had imagined.
"You see Derrick. You got four motha-fuckin drawings. One gives you everything. One gives you half the bling. One gives you nuthin. And the last one takes two away from you."
"When!?" Shouted Derrick, now standing on his feet. When does this holiday occur?"
"Who fuckin knows!" Shouted Lil P. "It happens at all kinda random intervals. Sometimes it starts the same day as Christmas, sometimes its the week after thanksgiving. It always comes on a different day each year!"
"But what about songs. Do we have to listen to those stupid songs?"
"Yea but they're all in a different language so you cant understand that shit anyway."
"What about danger? Will it quench my thirst for danger?"
"Does eight fuckin fire lit candles sound dangerous to you?"
"Hell yea mothafucka!"
"Then what are we waiting for? The moon is full baby! It's the 25th day of Kislev! Lets do this shit!"
Derrick got up, excited for this new holiday.
"Wait, Lil P, what do you call this new holiday?"
"I call it, Hanukkah."
"Hanukkah? That's a mouthful. How do you spell that shit?"
"You can spell it any fuckin way you want to! You can spell it with a Ch, two Ks, three Ns, Fuck, you can even spell it with an X for all I care. All that matters is that we celebrate it harder than anyone has ever celebrated anything before. Are you with me?"
"Oh yea!"
"Then lets go."
And with that, Derrick and Lil P left Hank's Bar and Grill and set off to light the first ever Hanukkah candle, play dradel, and sing songs that no one could understand. It was the best Hanukkah ever.

The End

Drinking Solves Everything

A movie I made at the New York Film Academy the summer of 2006 (shot on actual film)

Carl

A video I made last spring with Sarl C/later

You know you go to GeeDeeEsss when...

you have to be a closeted homophobe.

your math teacher answers his cell phone in class three times.

your first period teacher makes your class coffee.

your student lounge has a High Definition Plasma TV in it.

your school has 450 students, four computer labs, two mobile labs, and they lock you out of all of them.

your science lab has a plaque on the wall that says "the Bunsen burners were donated by the Lebowitz family."

getting into the University of Maryland is the end of the world.

your day sucks because you cant drive your BMW in the middle of the day.

no matter what you do is racist.

your in Washington DC yet there are almost no hispanics in sight.

the most important life decision you have to make is whether to apply ED to Yale or Brown.

the trophy case is empty.

Peral Harbor day is Transgender Awareness day.

people complain they took down the racing stipe that no one noticed.

you can leave your 2500 laptop in the middle of the hallway and get suprised when it gets stolen.

People meow online.

You can invite your principal to instant message in the middle of Stats Class.

Every week some group is being remembered (next week its Central Asian mixed with sub saharan jewish african parapalegic rememberence week)

There are girls on the wrestling team.

You could force five people in a room, starve them, have them beat one another with crowbars, drop tear gas inside, make them huddle together so their body heat will prevent them from freezing to death, and theyd still find a way to form cliques.

They schedule Science Fiction literature and AP Phyics at the same time.

Much thank to Dadia N/amato for the idea and some of the bits!