Friday, January 30, 2009

About Me

So I thought I'd go in a little different direction with this post.  It's definitely supposed to be funny, but everything I say is 100% true (well, at least to some extent).  Enjoy:


Firstly, I don't believe in electricity or telephones.  TVs, lights, texting, its all powered by magic.  I mean seriously, how could invisible waves make your voice be transmitted to Australia in only three seconds?  It's completely impossible.  

Thomas Edison did not invent all those inventions.  Instead he invented a time machine to go forward in time and steal the inventions of various inventors that really took place over hundreds of years.  I mean seriously, how could the same man invent the light bulb and then have the insight to invent a video camera?  Completely impossible.

At airports, the voice that says "Caution, the moving walkway is ending" is no recording at all.  There's a woman who sits in a room with a microphone and has to say that all day and all night.

Recess should never end.  Everyday at noon the whole world should break from what it's doing, and play on the playground for thirty minutes.

Similarly little league baseball should never end.

The stock market doesn't exist.  Those arrows move up and down arbitrarily.

Women and men think almost exactly the same, just neither side knows it, and neither is ever going to ask.

When I'm walking to a place far away, I always snap my fingers, hoping that instead I will be able to teleport there.  So far it hasn't worked.

Also if I need to make a tough decision, I snap my fingers hoping that time itself will stop.  Again, no luck.

I don't believe toilets can flush automatically.  Those red lights are really cameras and there is someone out there watching us urinate.  He/she then flushes the toilet from a remote location when we're finished.

Everything that ever happens happens for a reason.

The present will never be as good as the past.

If I could do away with one thing in the world, it wouldn't be violence or death, instead it would be awkwardness.  For some reason every possible way to interact with someone is considered awkward.  I wish more than anything I could go up to any person at any time and just talk about anything.

I love America, but sometimes voting is just stupid.  How could anyone possibly know who would make the best property appraiser in Miami-Dade County?

Everyone should really do more community service, myself included.

Orthodontic work is a scam.

People really should swallow their pride more often.

An apology can go a long way.

I'm completely serious about recess never ending.

If I were writing a college application, the essay topic I would post is, "Your in a room with someone who knows your name, but you've completely forgotten theirs.  How do you find it out, with out the assistance of others, and at the same time never letting the person know you don't know their name?  You only have 30 seconds and no way to access the internet."  Anyone who can answer that question sufficiently should get into Harvard.

I love it when people comment on my posts.

5 comments:

Dallas said...

haha, i definitely enjoyed reading this.

Anonymous said...

I would go on Facebook to get the person's name. Harvard acceptance letter please?

AZeldin said...

nope u only have 30 seconds to get it and no wifi, im gonna edit that now

cc said...

This is insightful. Especially about the awkwardness and electricity. Telephones really must be magical.

Anonymous said...

Does awkwardness really exist?